That Announcer Guy that Made Himself Famous on One Line: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the showdown of the world. Northern Hemisphere vs Southern Hemisphere. White vs Black. Developed vs Developing. Metro vs Matatu. Who will win in the battle of the commute? It’s New York City vs Kampala. Let me ask you, ladies and gentlemen……ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!
In the red and yellow trunks standing at a bustling 1.2 million people with many more uncounted. A vast network of a soccer mom’s dream, a crusade of sliding-door vans in the hundreds, licensed to carry 14 passengers, but really, who’s counting? All on the bumpy and often disappearing unnamed streets of Kampala. Let me introduce to you the little engine that could… The KAMPALA MATATUUUUUU!!!!
In the blue trunks standing at 8.2 million people and counting. A most robust transit system with both letters and numbers. A sustaining record of timeliness and melting pot-ness, but don’t go near him on the weekends. Ladies and gentlemen, your reigning heavyweight champ. The NEW YORK CITY METROOOOOO!!!!!
[Crowd Cheers]
Hank: Hi folks, we are just moments away from the first round action. Bill, I think this is going to be a war of attrition. Kampala has really been developing in the last few years. He doesn’t have as much on the line tonight and should be very relaxed. No reason to walk fast anywhere.
Bill: Walk fast, perhaps not, but drive fast, he will. But New York is banking on pure experience to keep the belt after this one is over. And there is certainly that weekend strength he has that will cripple any commuter. I’m sure The Matatu will come out swinging.
Hank: To add to your point, Bill, we know the Matatu is a god fearing beast, and is working hard to have god. Besides the regular Rasta-colored and sport fanatic decals on his front and back, he’s got all sorts of religious decals: God is Great, Jesus will Save, and The Lord is My Provider, Glory be to the Lord, and the most truthful, Sat is Sabbath.
[Ding Ding]
Hank: There’s the bell and we have begun. Right out of the gate, just as you predicted Bill, The Matatu is swinging. It’s all offence with nothing much to protect. It seems like he is always there begging you to come on for the ride even when you don’t want him. And when you do want him he is there as well, waiting for you to walk down the street and reach the corner. A model of efficiency….and care!
Bill: Couldn’t be more the case right now. The Metro took a big hit to the head as The Matatu comes out with his patented move: hitting a big bump when his opponent least expects it, driving The Metro’s head into the ceiling. Those bumps are brutal if you don’t expect them.
Hank: Ouch, that’s going to hurt in the morning. I think The Matatu has a can of whiplash in his back pocket he will try and pull out later in the match, too. So look out for that.
Bill: Who knows if there will even be a later, Hank, The Matatu is being so efficient right of the bat.
Hank: Another great attribute of the Matatu. Seems like he’s always working together, with the people. At a stop everyone exits the vehicle to let the last one, the person in the back corner, out through the one sliding door. Then quickly piling back inside, in whatever order they happen to be in, taking whatever seat that will put them out of the way for the person coming in behind him. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Bill: And all the while Metro is just standing there, taking the beating. Almost without movement, standing in front of the door. Not releasing anyone or anything. Oh Metro, why can’t you just move to the side to let your fellow passengers off?
Hank: Bad news for The Matatu, he is overheating. It’s just too hot in there for him. No AC and the consistent overcrowding, day after day, seems to be getting the better of him.
Bill: Cool as a cucumber in the summer, sometimes even cold as ice cream, and warm like a potato in the winter, temperature control is a Metro specialty in most of these showdowns. He’s really starting to come around and finally fight back.
[Ding Ding]
Hank: And that’s the bell to signal the end of Round One. What a fight, huh Bill?
Bill: So true Hank. The Kampala Matatu really came out strong. You’d think with all those bumpy roads he’d be slow to react, but was quite efficient with the people inside, and using the bumps to his advantage, smashing The Metro’s head just after the opening bell.
Hank: Matatu is looking real strong in his corner. His team is singing and dancing and really being friendly over there. And The Metro is getting reamed out in his corner.
Bill: …In typical New York fashion. His team is shouting about all the potholes, and complaining to the referee.
Hank: Looks like Bloomberg will be out to fix those in a week. President Museveni isn’t going to do a thing about the potholes in Kampala. It’s another two years until the next election, and if those roads don’t get fixed in the months before the election, it’s going to be another five years of crater roads before we see an opportunity to get them fixed during the following election.
Bill: No good for anyone, Hank. Moments from Round Two, it will be interesting to see if The Metro will be able to pick up where he left off...
[Ding Ding]
Bill: Here comes Round Two, and it’s a different fight already. We’ve passed the town center and Metro has plenty of room to sit and spread out. Meanwhile The Matatu is looking cramped. Never a worry about overpaying, Metro is working without a care in the world, a real free bird out there in the ring.
Hank: You are so right Bill. The Matatu seems to be distracted because he is trying to get his change and the conductor doesn’t have small bills. Nor do any of the other passengers.
Bill: The Matatu is getting frustrated. Oh, but wait. The Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon”???
Hank: Boy George! Is this really happening?
Bill: Amidst all that Luganda jabber and jabbing that’s been playing, it’s red golden dreams for everyone in here. I’ve heard of this happening before in the welter weight division, but here…. It also looks like The Matatu is exchanging smiles with a pretty short-haired girl in the front row. They are both mouthing the words.
Hank: Oh boy!
Bill: You said it Hank. [Laughter]
Hank: Culture Club couldn’t last long enough. The Matatu is now stuck in a jam, that’s traffic for all you lay people.
Bill: Bad news for the Tu. He is frozen in his tracks….But wait, look at this! He’s pulling a K-turn in the middle of the ring.
Hank: What a nimble guy! Always able to find an alternate route when things get bad. The Metro cannot do things like that. He’s a one track mind, unless you count the express track.
Bill: However that may be true, the other route is usually just as jammed for The Matatu. That looks to be the case now.
Hank: Seeing that is the case, here comes the Metro on the attack.
From the Ring: Ladies and Gentelmen, sorry to disturb you. I am homeless and have eight children. Please please please please please please help me. Anything, a potato chip or a dime. Please please….
Hank: Looks like the Metro is pulling the old Jewish Mother move, guilting his opponent into submission.
Bill: Perhaps Jewish Mother guilt, but no matzo ball soup with this kvelling. [Laughter]
Hank: Here comes the big Matatu with the rebuttal. From outside the ring young men are selling phone airtime cards, bags of munchies, sunglasses, steering wheel covers, and sunglasses to whoever will make eye contact. All the merchandise dangling off their arms and necks in long strips.
Bill: Well that’s convenient if you’re into that kind of service. There’s even a young lad selling the morning edition paper.
Hank: It’s the evening, now.
Bill: It’s Kampala.
[Ding Ding]
Hank: And that’s the end of Round two. It’s too close to call at this point.
[Commercial Break]
Bill: Bill and Hank here, your trusty ringside announcers here. Action for Round Three is about to begin. It’s all tied up and we anticipate a great final round here.
[Ding Ding]
Bill: And there’s the bell. The Matatu looks a little broken, but then again, what else is new, that thing always looks like it only has got just one more kilometer left.
Hank: But for the low price of $0.91 to get all the way across town, what do you expect?
Bill: I guess it’s just the bang you get for that buck…errr nine tenths of a buck. [Laughter]
Hank: It’s go time for The Matatu, a homeless man just entered the ring and the Metro is suffocating from the smell. And the Matatu is reeling off a flurry of stenches of his own.
Bill: This is the normal smell for the Matatu. He thrives on the odor. Some might say it powers the engine along with the $5.30 per gallon gasoline.
Hank: Now that’s being resourceful.
Bill: Hey, you gotta take what they give you, Hank.
Hank: Speaking of taking what they give you, The Matatu just served up that can of whiplash he was saving up. But why are the Metro’s shorts ripped in half?
Bill: According to the reply I’m watching, it looks like there was a jagged piece of seat dangerously sticking out in the Matatu corner of the ring that the Matatu placed there earlier, or never bothered to fix. The Metro had his shorts caught on that and now he’s basically naked, but still standing strong.
Hank: The Metro fights back with a little help from a boda boda. The brightly painted and sticker-covered boda just swerved in, seemingly out of nowhere and cut off the angry Matatu as he has to slam hard on the brakes. There is no way The Matatu is going to get anything done on time. Hope no one is in a rush.
Bill: To make matters worse, the engine that sits just behind the driver has broken down. This Matatu has a flat front so he can get up real close to whatever is in front of him, but the passengers in that first row can get some hot legs.
Hank: Well, it makes up for what they lack in hot pants. [Chuckle]
Bill: The Matatu is starting to lose that bounce in his step. Looks like it’s all over for the King of Kampala.
Hank: Wait a minute…The Magnificent Metro all of a sudden doesn’t look so well. He’s starting to fade, too.
Bill: That’s because he just encountered a “Police investigation” on the track a station ahead, AND a sick passenger. He’s not going anywhere.
Hank: The two Goliaths have both fallen to the mat. Unbelievable. It’s Rocky I all over again.
Bill: My favorite is Rocky IV, I mean, that was so awesome when Rocky was training in the mountains of Russia. Oh, I love vodka.
Hank: Shut up Bill, I’m making a pop culture reference here.
Referee: Seven….Eight
Hank: They are both getting up now. Yes, they have both found a way to stand back up.
Bill: Uh oh, lookout, here comes a bus, it’s headed straight for the Matatu!
Hank: Ouch! That’s going to hurt in the morning.
Bill: The bus just took out the Matatu. He is down for the count. It’s all over! The Metro has reigned supreme! What a finish. Just when you thought they were both going to be out, they both recovered but a bit of misfortune for the Matatu. I’m sure the bookies are going to rake it in on this one. No one would have predicted this.
Hank: Well, the New Yorkers already paid so they are stuck and at the mercy of the system. Fortunately, for everyone on the Matatu, they pay when they get off, so they are sticking it to The Matatu now. He is not getting a shilling for all his efforts.
